The holidays often come wrapped in equal parts joy and chaos. Between travel, disrupted routines, crowded gatherings, and unpredictable relatives, many families find themselves overwhelmed. And kids who have sensitive nervous systems or trauma histories feel this stress deeply.
A trauma-informed approach doesn’t take away the magic of the season. It protects it. When we understand what the brain needs to feel safe and regulated, we can create holidays that build connection rather than stress.

Why Holidays Activate the Stress Response System

The Neurosequential Model teaches us that predictability and routine help the brain stay regulated. Holidays disrupt both. Kids experience:

• Dysregulated routines: Bedtimes, meals, school days, and daily structure all shift.
• Sensory overload: Lights, crowds, loud relatives, airports, and long dinners.
• Social pressure: Meeting unfamiliar relatives and navigating adult expectations.
• Emotional triggers: For children with trauma histories, the holidays can bring grief, divided loyalties, or reminders of instability.

When predictability decreases, the lower brain regions take over, making meltdowns, irritability, clinginess, or shutdowns much more likely. This isn’t misbehavior- it’s neurobiology.

How Rhythm, Predictability & Sensory Regulation Keep Kids Grounded

To help kids stay regulated, we must support the lower parts of the brain first.

Rhythm
Repetitive, patterned activities soothe the stress response:
• Walking hand-in-hand
• Rocking or swaying
• Calm breathing with a rhythm (“smell the cocoa, blow the cocoa”)
• Soft music with a steady beat

Predictability
Kids relax when expectations are clear.
• Use a visual “holiday schedule”
• Preview events (“Grandma’s house may be loud and here’s what we can do if it feels like too much”)
• Practice new routines beforehand

Sensory Regulation
Identify what helps your child feel grounded:
• Hoodies, weighted blankets, fidgets
• Noise-canceling headphones
• Chewing gum or crunchy snacks
• A cozy spot where they can take breaks

These tools aren’t rewards. They are supports for an overwhelmed nervous system.

Pre-Event Regulation Plans
Preparing in advance prevents escalation in the moment.

Car Rides
• Do a regulating activity before getting in (a dance break, stretching, deep breaths).
• Bring snacks, familiar music, and sensory items.
• Give time-based countdowns (“20 more minutes—two songs long”).

Airports
• Arrive early so you’re calm- Remember that kids mirror adult stress.
• Let them walk and move their bodies before boarding.
• Have a sensory-downshift plan: headphones, hoodies, a favorite show.

Long Dinners
• Give your child a “role” (napkin helper, cookie decorator, holiday greeter).
• Normalize taking breaks (“If it gets loud, you can go play in the den”).
• Don’t force sitting through multiple courses. Regulation matters more than etiquette.

Scripts for When Kids Are Overwhelmed
Parents often need quick, grounding phrases ready to go.

For sensory overload:
“There’s a lot in here. Let’s step outside so your brain can take a break.”

For big feelings:
“Your feelings make sense. I’m right here. Let’s breathe together first.”

For social boundaries:
“You don’t have to hug anyone you don’t want to. A wave or high-five is fine.”

For adoptive or blended families:
“It’s okay if today brings up mixed feelings. You’re safe, and we’ll do this together.”

Scripts help shift the child from fear to safety and help the parent stay regulated, too.

Micro-Traditions That Build Safety, Not Stress
Big traditions are fun, but micro-traditions (small, repeated rituals) are what help children feel grounded.

Examples:
• A hot-cocoa toast before every holiday outing
• Saying a special phrase before entering a crowded house (“Team Egan- we’ve got this”)
• A nightly December book or memory
• A nature walk or drive to look at lights after stressful gatherings

These tiny rituals build predictability and belonging.

For Children with Trauma Histories
The holidays can be especially complex for children in foster care, adoption, or blended families. They may experience:

• Conflicting loyalties
• Anxiety about new traditions or expectations
• Grief for people they miss
• Fear of “performing” or fitting in
• Overwhelm in large, unfamiliar gatherings

Parents can support them by:
• Maintaining routines whenever possible
• Reviewing plans, people, and expectations ahead of time
• Creating quiet-break spaces and exit plans
• Allowing them to feel multiple emotions at once
• Incorporating rituals that honor their whole story
• Connecting with their therapist ahead of the season

These strategies help children feel anchored rather than trapped by holiday expectations.

Small Rituals for Hope & Connection
Hope is built through action, not perfection. Simple rituals strengthen connection:

• Light a candle for someone you miss
• Share one gratitude and one “hope for tomorrow”
• Add a link to a “kindness chain” for acts of kindness
• Take a family “slow morning” during a busy week
• Snap a hopeful New Year’s photo naming one intention for the year ahead

These rituals create meaning without adding more to the holiday to-do list.

Final Thoughts
Holiday safety isn’t about eliminating all stress. It’s about creating enough rhythm, connection, and predictability so children’s nervous systems and yours feel anchored and safe. When we shift from “How do I control this?” to “How do we co-regulate together?” the holidays become more joyful, less chaotic, and far more meaningful.
Kids don’t remember perfect décor or flawless dinners. They remember feeling seen, soothed, and safe.
And that is the greatest holiday tradition of all! ❦

 About the Author

Stacy Phillips develops and deploys effective solutions to challenging and systemic crime victimization issues as a Victim Justice Program Specialist with the Office for Victims of Crime (OVC) at the U.S. Department of Justice. Levering her more than 20 years of experience in the victim services field, she works collaboratively across OVC’s Discretionary and Human Trafficking Teams to create, implement, and monitor a broad range of programs. Dr. Phillips has spearheaded demonstration initiatives on polyvictimization, reducing child fatalities and recurring serious child injuries, and currently leads OVC’s opioid/drug addiction crisis initiatives. She also oversees Project Hope, a community of practice focused on law enforcement and communities. She also manages projects on crime victims’ rights enforcement and legal wraparound networks, law enforcement-based direct services, post-conviction initiatives, and human trafficking.
As a children and youth expert with a focus on trauma, polyvictimization, and brain science, Dr. Phillips represents OVC on the DOJ Prison Rape Elimination Act (PREA) Working Group, Federal Inter-Agency Work Group on Child Abuse and Neglect, the Federal Interagency Task Force on Trauma-Informed Care. She is a sought-out speaker at national conferences and has advised research teams in their development of nationwide toolkits.
Before joining OVC, Dr. Phillips spent 15 years responding to the needs of children and families through the child welfare system. At the DC Child and Family Services Agency, she worked on child and family protective services issues, including grants, program design and management, needs assessment, resource development, and policy development. During this time, she started the DC Parent Advisory Council, served on the Districtwide Children’s Justice Act Task Force, and helped develop the District’s Human Trafficking Task Force. Beforehand, Dr. Phillips served as a Child Protective Services Investigations Supervisor, conducting adoption, foster care, and kinship licensing studies in Texas. She began her career as a Child Protective Services Investigator in Bridgeport, Connecticut.
Dr. Phillips holds a Doctorate of Social Work (DSW) from the University of Southern California with a focus on smart decarceration of youth; a certificate in Public Policy from Harvard University Kennedy School of Government; an M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Southern Connecticut State University; and an M.S.W. from the Catholic University of America.

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