As the holiday season approaches, most of us turn our attention to wrapping paper, cookie exchanges, and that mysteriously disappearing roll of Scotch tape. But in schools, this time of year brings a different kind of giving and receiving: the exchange of feedback. Report cards, conference conversations, quick emails, notes home… chances are, by December, you’ve received some form of feedback about your child. And, if we’re being honest, you may also have offered a bit of your own—solicited or not—to teachers and administrators.
Feedback in schools is essential. It shapes learning, guides development, and strengthens the partnership between home and school. But here’s the part we don’t always talk about: how a parent receives feedback is the true determinant of how successful that partnership and ultimately the child, can be.

And yes, I learned this the hard way.

A Humbling Lesson
Not long ago, my son climbed into the car after school and launched into a tale so dramatic it could have earned him a daytime Emmy. According to him, another child had tripped him on purpose and then, for added flair, told him, “Go to the nurse, you idiot.” My heart dropped into my shoes. Why had no one called me? Why wasn’t anyone addressing this? Why hadn’t the school seen this incident?
Concerned (okay, outraged), I shared the story with family members, worked myself into a righteous lather, and finally emailed the school. My message was calm, professional, and polished, right up until the subtext saying: “Do you even know what’s going on over there?”
The school responded immediately. They investigated. They followed up with a phone call. I answered, fully prepared to collaborate… after giving them a quick lesson on how to do their jobs.

And then came the twist.

Turns out, my son had, how shall we put this, taken some artistic liberties. Significant artistic liberties. Parts of the story were exaggerated; other parts, entirely fictional. Over the course of the call, I moved through all five stages of parental embarrassment: disbelief, indignation, defensiveness, reluctant acceptance, and finally… deep, humbling gratitude.
What struck me most was how professionally and directly the school responded. I asked them to act and they did. Just not in the way I predicted. They told me the truth, even though it wasn’t the truth I thought I was calling to hear.
This experience reminded me, vividly, what it feels like to be on the receiving end of feedback. As an educator, I give it constantly. As a parent, well… that’s a different sort of holiday gift to unwrap.

Designing Feedback with the End in Mind

In teaching, we often talk about backward design: start with the goal, then plan backwards. So let’s apply that here. The desired learning outcome is to build a respectful, honest, and effective feedback relationship between school and home and one that supports student growth above all else.
To get there, both giving and receiving feedback matter. And while teachers work hard to deliver feedback clearly and thoughtfully, parents play an equally important role: their response shapes what future feedback looks like.
If a parent responds with openness, curiosity, and partnership, teachers feel safe continuing to share honest, direct information. If a parent responds with defensiveness, argument, or distrust, feedback inevitably becomes more cautious, less specific, and less helpful. Simply put: how you unwrap the gift affects how often and how well it will be given.

Tips for Navigating the Feedback Season

Whether you’re reaching out for clarity or responding to new information, here are a few ways to keep communication productive and grounded:

1. Ask Clear, Specific Questions

Instead of a general “How is she doing?”, try naming what you want to understand:

Has homework been submitted on time?
Does the work she turns in reflect strong understanding?
Is the amount of time she’s spending on homework typical

The more specific the question, the more helpful—and meaningful—the answer will be. In fact, this may be the most impactful step a parent can take when partnering with a school. Before asking a question, it is worth pausing to consider: What am I truly trying to understand? Am I seeking clarity, or is this question rooted in mistrust or uncertainty about the feedback my child received?
Recently, a parent came to me with a question about a report card. Their daughter had earned a B in Geography, a grade that did not seem to align with her abilities in their view. Rather than expressing frustration or asking a vague question, they approached the conversation with remarkable clarity. They said, “We are not questioning the B,” immediately naming what they didn’t need answered. Instead, they asked:
“Where did this grade come from? Is she missing something? Did she perform consistently, or did one assessment weigh more heavily? We simply want to understand how Candace is doing in Geography so we can support her at home.”
Their honesty and specificity opened the door to an incredibly productive conversation about grading transparency. When I looked into the gradebook, we discovered that Candance performed well overall but struggled on one summative assessment that impacted her average. The parents were not upset, they simply wanted to know how best to help their daughter.
When a parent clearly names what they hope to understand, the entire conversation becomes more focused, supportive, and beneficial for the child.
It is also immensely helpful to share your questions before the conference or conversation. When teachers know what you hope to discuss, they can gather relevant information, talking points, student work samples, assessment data that will allow for a thoughtful, informed conversation. Without this communication, teachers often enter the meeting unsure of what will be addressed, which can unintentionally signal mistrust or frustration. Preparing teachers in advance ensures that the conversation begins from a place of partnership and shared purpose.
Asking specific questions in a school conversation is a lot like asking for a present: the clearer you are about what you want, the more likely you are to receive something that truly meets your needs. When you simply say, “I want a gift,” you might end up with socks, useful, sure, but not exactly what you had in mind. But when you say, “I would love a hardcover mystery novel by my favorite author,” suddenly the giver knows exactly how to meet your needs. The same holds true when speaking with a teacher. Vague questions lead to vague answers, but specific, thoughtful questions allow teachers to provide meaningful insights, tailored information, and the clarity you’re genuinely seeking. In the end, everyone feels more understood and the “gift” is far more satisfying.

2. Share Your Worries and Fears Up Front

If you’re nervous, confused, or concerned, say so. Teachers are human. They respond with greater sensitivity when they understand the emotions behind the inquiry. Transparency creates trust.
I was interviewing a parent the other day for a mid-year entry and I asked her, “what is your greatest worry for your daughter?” She paused, the tears welled up in her eyes, and responded “I have never been asked that before.” She then shared what her specific worries were about her daughter. What it helped me understand is where the priorities land for this family and this child. Some families want rigor, some want support, some what a competitive athletic program, and others just want their daughter to be seen and known. They were very clear about what the teachers needed to do in order to meet their daughter’s needs and meet her where she was.
Here is the reality: in any conversation involving a child, there is very little space for anger or frustration. Those emotions rarely move the work forward. What does create meaningful progress is transparency, honesty, curiosity, and vulnerability. These qualities allow parents and educators to engage not as critics or defenders, but as true partners committed to supporting a child’s growth.
You do not need to be the hero in every interaction, nor do you need to enter a conference feeling defensive. Instead, clearly share how you are feeling so that teachers can respond in a way that supports understanding, strengthens the partnership, and ultimately enhances the child’s experience.

3. Give Yourself Time to Process

It’s okay if feedback doesn’t land perfectly the first time. Parenting can be emotional, and hearing hard news, even delivered kindly, can be jarring. If I had a dime for every time I heard, “We have NEVER been told that before by other teachers” or “How has she gone her entire life without anyone pointing this out to us?” I never know if this question is rhetorical or if they truly want me to speak for the dozens of educators that they feel have “missed” something. Either way, these statements are often just a reflection of being surprised, shocked, or unexpected. When my youngest son was in preschool, I hadn’t heard much feedback about him, good or bad, so naturally, I assumed everything was wonderful. I floated into that conference convinced I’d be back at work in fifteen minutes, proudly reporting that my child was basically a model citizen in miniature form. The second I saw both the teacher and the Preschool Director sitting together, my confidence deflated on the spot. They went on to share that my son had been something of a tiny tornado in the classroom, creating a little more chaos than the average little guy. My jaw dropped open and I said the thing that I hate the most… “ We do NOT have these problems at home and I have never heard about it before!” Again, this statement deserves a response that sounds a little like this, “Well, you’re hearing it now! Go ahead and take a moment, do a mental lap, get into problem-solving mode, and let me know when you’re ready to rejoin the conversation.” If you are asking questions that the person in front of you cannot possibly answer, please take a moment or a day, and then respond.
After you gently escort yourself out of the “calm corner” (that’s what we call it in our house and trust me, we all visit), if you still don’t agree with the teacher’s assessment or observations, simply ask for examples. Remember, you are not at war with the teacher. She does not get paid nearly enough nor does she have the time, energy, or caffeine supply to invent stories or stage a classroom coup.
Take a breath, my friends, truly. Your child will benefit far more from your moment to pause, reset, and enter the conversation with curiosity rather than combat mode. Think of it this way: remember how you looked tearing into the gift you had been waiting months for when you were eight years old? The wide eyes, the flailing arms, the unrestrained enthusiasm?
Let’s not bring that energy into a parent–teacher conversation.
Instead, open the “gift” of feedback with poise, thoughtfulness, and maturity. It sets the tone, strengthens the partnership, and ensures your child receives the calm, steady support they deserve.

Unwrapping Growth Together

Feedback, at its heart, is a gift. Sometimes it’s wrapped neatly with a bow. Sometimes it comes in a box you didn’t ask for. But when opened with openness and partnership, it is one of the most powerful tools we have to support children’s growth.
As families and educators, we share the same goal: raising confident, curious, capable children. That takes conversation, honesty, vulnerability, and occasionally a humbling moment.
This season, may we all give generously, receive gracefully, and continue unwrapping growth together. ❦

About the Author

Lauren Anderson is proud to serve as Head of Middle School at Garrison Forest School, a role she stepped into in 2024 after nearly a decade of dedicated service to the Middle School community. Her leadership journey at Garrison Forest started in 2009 has included roles as Assistant Head of Middle School, Middle School Dean of Students for Grades 6–8, and Associate Director of Admission. She holds a Graduate Certificate in Independent School Leadership from Johns Hopkins University, along with both a Master of Arts in Health Education and Promotion and a Bachelor of Science in Health Education from East Carolina University. Throughout her career, she has been deeply committed to creating an inclusive,
supportive, and empowering environment where students are known, challenged, and inspired to grow.

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